While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
