How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you never un-have a 4some
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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