I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
