If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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