You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
