I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you traded sex for a burrito?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
