My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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