ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
