Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
