I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
