I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
