you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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