Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
