I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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