There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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