At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's like God shit irony all over that family
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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