so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
