Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
