You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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