Pappa wants mamma naked
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
