I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
