I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
