You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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