its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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