Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
