This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
