my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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