Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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