Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
