you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
