either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
