I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
