how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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