I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
