hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
