I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
