Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
