have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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