Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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