Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
