I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
