I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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