I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
