the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
In America we eat man semen.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
