My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
