she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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