i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
