Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We don't watch enough power rangers
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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