Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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