Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
