i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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