i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
