i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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