you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
