I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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