Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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