Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
